# Cycles: 37

So I looked at my chart and saw that I had entered 37 cycles :-(  I know that isn't all of them either because I wasn't good about keeping track in the beginning.  For the first year or so all I did was track the start date of my cycle . ..  those were the days of carefree bding - we just did it when we wanted, then it turned into temping, bding according to the schedule, miscarriage and more :-(  During these 37 cycles I have seen countless friends, acquaintances and coworkers get pregnant and post their pictures on facebook, while I quietly had three miscarriages.  I am a good friend and congratulate them, but I'd be lying if each time I post a Congratulations that I didn't feel a tug on my jealousy bone :-(  My DH always says, don't worry about other people getting things because it is not your time . . . but maybe my time to be a mother will never come, and I have to accept the cold hard truth.

I should ovulate around New Years  . . .  maybe 2012 will be a better year.  Pretty Please with Sugar on Top.

What NOT to say to the infertile this holiday

I loved this blog article and just had to share!! The article is written for the holidays, but the suggestions are appropriate for anytime of the year!

What NOT to say to the infertile this holiday

One Year Anniversary of last BFP

So yesterday was the one year anniversary of my last bfp :-(  Three pregnancies, three angels, three years, sigh.

Clomid Hangover?

So last cycle while taking clomid for the clomid challenge test I ovulated 3 days later than my "usual" date.  Now this cycle I got EWCM very early, and while my temps are very wacky I think I may have o'd on cd 13 - it works out for my travel schedule, but still it is a little weird.  Well, I guess I dont care as long as I end up with a healthy baby in the end :-)

Weird Cycle

So FF was saying I o'd on CD 17, but I tested on CD 12 and had a bfn . . . I looked back at my chart and think that I may have o'd on CD 20 which is consisetent with my normal lp since I got AF on the 21st :-(  This cycle I did do the Clomid Challenge Test - in which you take 100mg of clomid and they test your FSH on day 3 and 10.  This measures your ovarian reserve.  Luckily I came out with a "normal" ovarian reserve.

AF was kinda weird - I was having nausea for like a week, but then on Monday night it got really bad - and the cramps started.  These cramps were almost as bad as during the miscarriage :-(  And AF was heavy that night, something that doesnt normally happen.  Then on CD 2 it was really heavy too, but then tapered off really quickly, something that doesnt normally happen either.  All in all AF lasted 4 days . . . and I am normally a 7 day girl from spotting to spotting.  I hope it is a good sign!?!? 

Well, since clomid made me O later than expected I will now likely be traveling when I O this cycle :-(  Unless of course I O early this cycle to make up for it?  We'll have to see, but I am not expecting too much from this cycle :-(  I guess I shouldnt be too bummed - we had several cycles with perfect timing and no bfp, so I guess this cycle I dont even have the chance to get my hopes up, sigh.

Good Quote

There are three kinds of people in the world, the wills, the won'ts and the can'ts. The first accomplish everything; the second oppose everything; the third fail in everything.

~Eclectic Magazine

I try and be a will, but sometimes I feel the won'ts and the can'ts sneaking in my life.  I need to remember to shoo them away when they try and take over.

When it comes to TTC, being a will is hard . . . especially with 3 losses, but I will be a Mom someday!

Testing

So I got my test results the other day and big shocker . . . there is nothing wrong with me.  Bittersweet.  I dont really want anything to be wrong with me, but on the other hand something simple to fix yet transparent to my everyday life would be nice.

So the doc said he could do IUI with injectables, I can take baby aspirin everyday, and he can give me progesterone suppositories to take either after I O or after I get a BFP.  I have tho think about all of those :-(

In the meantime I am still trying to catch an egg and hoping that the clomid I took for the clomid challenge test will give me another target. 

OUCH!

I had a Saline Infusion Sonogram yesterday and all I have to say is OUCH!  I had a HSG in January 2010 and I had some mild discomfort but the saline sonogram was painful for me. 

The procedure literally took 5 minutes - the doctor inserted the speculum then the other stuff (balloon, saline, catheter etc) and I think it was during this that he bumped the speculum or something moved a little and I got some sharp pains.  I also started to feel nauseous, something I rarely ever feel (thank goodness).  He then inserted the ultrasound probe and we were able to see my uterus fill with saline (it appeared black on the screen vs the tissue that appeared more white.  It was all over quickly, thank goodness.  When I sat up there was a gush of the saline that came out too, fun.

It has been almost 24 hours since the procedure and this morning when I woke up I felt pain down there.  It is kindof like premenstrual cramps but a little different.  I see tylenol in my future today.

The Doc said everythig looked ok - no polyps or fibroids or anything . . . just add this to my long list of tests that came back normal.

Oh and I did get my Homocysteine results back - I had a 5 and the normal range is 4-15.  I asked the doc since it was on the low end of normal and he said it was OK if it was low since they only worry about it if it is high.  Hmph.

RE . . . again

So I had an appointment on the 18th with a RE.  I met with a RE in January 2010 and had all the testing done and there were no red flags.  We did get pg a month or two after that - maybe the HSG helped?  But then began our string of miscarriages :-(  So this time the RE is looking at me as a RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) patient, not as someone who cannot get pg, even though it has been 9 cycles since my last loss and we are not pg. 

So the doc did an ultrasound and since I was in the 2ww he could see I had 8 follies on one ovary and 4 on the other - in other words, no smoking gun there.  I am ovulating, but I could have told you that!  Anyway, it was nice to have a confirmation, even though since I was 9dpo at the time and he looked at my uterus I knew I was out this cycle.  But I could have told you that since I didn't have any symptoms.

He did review my previous test results and I was normal for everything except MTFHR.  I was shocked when he said that and he even turned the screen so that I could see where it says Abnormal.  WTH??  The doc that ordered those tests said I was normal???  This doc said that it doesnt mean much unless you also have Homocystiene checked .. .  um, why didnt the doc say that before?  I would have gladly went in for a blood test!  Grrhh.

So this doc ordered a bunch of blood tests - several that I have had before, FSH, TSH, Estradiol, and some others.  He also recommended the Clomid Challenge test and a saline sonogram.

I went in for bloodwork on cd 3 as directed, have my saline sonogram scheduled for CD7 and will go in on CD10 for more bloodwork.

I got the electronic notification of some test results and they are here, along with previous results if there were any:

FSH - 6.3  previously 4.7 in January 2010.
TSH - 1.87 previously 1.80 and 2.15
Estradiol - 36 - previously 47.2
Factor II - 82% which is in the standard range of 70-120 (maybe on the low end? but I dont know what this means)

I'll have to ask the doctor tomorrow what the results mean, hmm. 

Life

Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..

The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference.

This seemed appropriate as today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I wasnt supposed to have three losses, but I am dealing with it the best way I can.  Some days are rougher than others :-(

Good Quote :-)

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.  
~J.K. Rowling

Quote of the Day

If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
~Frank A. Clark


So I have had a lot of obstacles on my path . .. hopefully it leads somewhere amazing!

Another AF :-(

UPDATE - it hasnt been 6 cycles . . . it has been 7 full cycles, sigh.

So this makes 6 months since I had my last miscarriage and I am getting bummed because I really thought we had a chance this month.  We have had several months of really good timing.  I think we are doing it a little too frequently, but DH doesnt think so.  I called today to make an appointment with a fertility specialist which isnt easy with a HMO.  You have to get a referral, and I did that a few years ago but then got pregnant on my own before I had any treatment.  I am trying to figure out if I need a new referral or if I can still use the old one.

I have to face facts that I am 38, have had 3 miscarriages and after each miscarriage it is taking me longer and longer to get pregnant again, sigh.  I have to go double check the numbers, but after the first one (that was "only" a chemical pregnancy) I was pregnant again 2 months later . . . then after that one it was 4 or 5 cycles . . . and now it has been 6 cycles and I am still not pregnant, sigh.

I guess it is hard too because I just ate at a restaurant that I went to right before I lost my last angel and as I was reading the menu I remembered that there were a lot of items with Gorgonzola cheese and I was avoiding those because I was pregnant the last time I read the menu. 

Don't mind me I am just having a little AF has arrived pity party . . . I should snap out of it soon.  I am thinking a bottle of wine this weekend will help.

Today was my EDD for my last Angel.

Wow, I did not realize I haven't posted since July!  Wow, time flies.  I have been very busy with the business, and since the summer is a very slow time of year it has been very preoccupying and stressful (sorry grammar police, I think this last sentence was grammatically incorrect)

Well, today is the due date of my last Angel :-(  It is also the day before my 38th birthday. *sigh* I feel kindof emotionally numb . . . I know I should have a huge belly right now, or maybe even have a newborn, but sadly I am not even pregnant.  I am sad, but I think I am so tired of being sad that I just cant be that sad anymore.  And now I am offically closer to 40 than 35 * double sigh* 

It doesnt help that I saw a ton of very pregnant ladies this weekend.  I am looking forward to cooler weather as at least I can delude myself into thinking they are just fat and not pregnant.

In general lately I have lost focus . . . It seems hard to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes.  Maybe it is a sign that I am getting old, or that I was crazy for buying a business while working full time and trying to get pregnant.  But life is boring if you don't don anything.

I miss you my last angel . . . keep your other angel siblings company.

Miscarriage 3/2010 . .. EDD November 19, 2010
Miscarriage 7/2011 . .. EDD February 17, 2011
Miscarriage 1/2011 . . . EDD September 6, 2011

Did I Wait Too Long??

So as my 38th birthday approaches I have been thinking more and more about my age . . . and if I waited too long to try having a family.  I was married before - actually I started dating him when I was only 18, still a kid myself.  We ended up being together for 14 years.  When I was younger I was often asked when I would start a family and my answer was always "not yet".   There was always something else I wanted to do.  I did think about it, but having kids is one of those truely irreversable decisions.  If you dont like a haircut, it will grow out.  If you dont like your job, quit and get a new one.  Most decisions are not irreversable.  So I kept stalling on making the biggest decision of my life.  And now I am paying the price because I naively thought it would happen relatively quickly once I was "ready".

Well I did start trying to have a family with my ex . . . but things didn't work out.  It was my choice to leave when I was 32 and yes, having kids did play a big factor in my decision.  But I decided that my future children deserved a Mommy who was brave enough to follow her heart even if she was scared and unsure and never really had the courage to stand up for her feelings before.  And if I am being totally honest with myself I do wonder if I made the right decision.  I am very happy with my decision, I just dont know if not having kids was the hidden price I paid.

Well, I was 35 years and 1 month when I started trying with my DH. . . just casually at first.  Not protecting, but not timing anything.  That lead to blood tests, doctors visits, taking my temperature,peeing on lots of sticks (OPKs or HPTs), sperm friendly lubricant and paying attention to my cervical mucus.  Along with 3 lost pregnancies :-(  I haven't truly struggled with getting pregnant, just staying pregnant.  I don't know what is worse - never being pregnant or being pregnant and filled with joy and anticipation (and fear) and having that ripped out of you.  Over. And Over. And Over Again.

I dont know if it was an early premonition, but when I was a kid, like first grade, I thought I wouldnt have kids. Not that I didnt want to have them, just that I didnt think I would have them.  Did I know something then that I am so stubbornly trying to prove wrong?  I hope not because I dont know if my life will be complete without a child of mine.  Yes, the biologist side of me is not ready for adoption.  I dont know if I would be able to love someone elses kid as much as my own.  Sound selfish, yes it is.  Honest, yes, like it or not.

So I didn't expect this post to be this long or rambling, but it was what came out, along with a few tears.

3 worst letters in TTC = BFN

I hate "symptoms" (notice the quotations) because they make you think, maybe, just maybe this may be your cycle . . . but then the test that does not lie gives you the cold hard truth and BFN or BIG FAT NEGATIVE on the pregnancy test is so hard to see.  At least with an OPK you get to see two lines, but one line on the pregnancy test is so hard to see :-(

And to make matters worse, I know that there are high school and college kids praying for their period . . . I would gladly give them my period in exchange for me being pregnant.  Life would be fair and we would both be happy, but sadly it does not work out that way . . . I guess if it did we wouldn't have shows like 16 and pregnant or Teen Mom.   Do you think they would want a show called, "Emotionally stable, income generating, able to out the needs of my Child above mine, give a loving home, Mom and Dad are stable, well adjusted and able to teach the kids a lot" show??

Well, as you can tell from my post I tested this morning at 11DPO and I got a BFN despite having good temperatures.  I didnt really put too much hope into this cycle as the timing was off this cycle, but still you see those temperatures and you hope that it will work out  . . . maybe next cycle . . .it will be 6 cycles since the miscarriage . . .

"Symptoms"

Hmm, so my temperatures are up . . . well that could be I am coming down with a cold like several of my coworkers (and I had one a few weeks ago)

And I feel something going on in my uterus area . . . but that could just be gas  . . or my overactive imagination.

I guess I dont really have any other "symptoms" than those . . . my breasts are a little sore sometimes, but not consistently, and I have peed a lot - but also drank a lot of water.

I am just trying not to get my hopes up . . . our timing wasnt very good this month, and I didnt feel the trademark "pop" that I felt the other times . . . I guess I should just keep myself busy so I dont think about it . . . I will know one way or the other in a few days.

Where were you one year ago?

I know.  I was having a miscarriage :-(  This one was my first 8 week miscarriage.  I was naive with my first miscarriage and at 5 weeks it is a lot easier.  I think with each passing week the miscarriage gets harder.  I have no idea how people who make it longer, say 40 weeks get through it.  8 weeks was hard enough, and my only solace was knowing that "at least it happened early".  Despite my pain I have all the respect and admiration in the world for those who suffered a loss after the "safe" 12 week mark.  I have respect and  compassion for anyone who has had a miscarriage - at any stage, but more so for those who were pregnant longer than I was yet I still feel sorry for myself.  Hopefully I get a rainbow baby before the due date of my 3rd pregnancy - which is also my 38th birthday.  But our travel schedule may not cooperate :-(  I do believe that things will happen when they are supposed to, but sometimes the waiting and not knowing is hard.  And there is a piece of me that thinks that I may never be a Mother.  Please let that not be the case.  But I have to accept whatever life throws at me.  I always have - why would now be any different?

Sick . . . and AF showed her ugly face

So I caught a nasty summer cold . . .and AF showed her ugly face - double whammy!  I am contemplating what to do differently next cycle.  I would like to look into acupuncture, but I'm not sure I will have the time to get more info . . . or the courage to do it - the thought of acupuncture scares me a little.


Interesting tidbit . . . if you cough hard enough you can feel AF's flow . . . sorry if this is TMI, but I was not happy to find out about it.

Not Feeling Myself

I dont know how to explain it, but I dont feel like myself.  I kinda feel like I am getting sick, but kinda feel just not normal . . . I would love to sleep for like 3 days straight . . . maybe that will be my plans for the 4th, although I think the fireworks may get in the way of that plan.

Happy Father's Day

I usually have breakfast with my Dad, a tradition that started back when it was my Mom and Dad and we continued, something I know she would have wanted.  Anyway, a few weeks ago my Dad was diagnosed with Colon cancer and is currently undergoing radiation and chemo treatments.  The chemo he is taking is supposed to help the radiation be more effective.  He had chemo for 3 weeks - it is dispensed at 1ml/hour Monday-Friday from a pump that he must wear all the time.  Since I see him on Saturdays I have not seen this pump.  After the second week he felt really tired, but after the 3rd week he felt better - just with an increased appetite.  When we met on Saturday he looked and seemed "normal", however I guess by Monday his lower lip was really swollen.  When he met with the doctor the doctor said that was a sign of too much chemo. 
What is the FDA approved treatment for this?  Nothing.  Well, not yet.  There is a drug in clinical trials that the doctor knew about - and got my Dad into the study.   Dr. Google tells me that there are 275,000 people who take this kind of chemo every year - and 1,300 die from it every year.  Mostly due to a malfunctioning pump, but some have a genetic variation that does not produce enough enzyme to remove the chemo.  I suspect that is the category my Dad falls into because he said he was monitoring the amount of chemo dispensed (and I believe him cause he is retired and has the time to pay attention to these things).
Well, basically I think my Dad was here to celebrate another Father's day because of uridine triacetate and that his doctor got him this drug (which incidentally is in crystal form and has to be mixed with applesauce or pudding and according to my Dad is the most disgustingly bitter thing he has ever taken).

(To my Dad, in my best radio/tv announcer voice) "This Father's Day was brought to you by the investigational drug uridine triacetate."

OK, so this post hasnt been so much about my Journey Into Motherhood but more about what has been going on in my life - which is good in some ways as I am definitely not obsessing about ttc these days.  But my Dad did mention he had to go to his Doctors house to get the medicine (I guess they would only fedex to the doctors home address??)  Well I guess the Doctor has some grandkids and my Dad relayed the story that his friend said oh neither she or my Dad have any grandkids.  My Dad's friend really wants grandkids and has made comments about that before, that my Dad has relayed.  But my Dad has never asked me about having kids.  I'm sure he wonders, but has never explicitly asked.  I almost told him about one pregnancy, but am kindof glad that I didnt given what happened.  I hope someday I will be able to tell him that he is gonna be a Grandpa.  But then I wished that I could tell my Mom that she was going to be a Grandma, and we know how well that worked out.

Well I am about 3dpo today . . . there is still hope for this cycle.

Tired

I have been feeling tired and run down lately . . . and yesterday I went to Knott's Berry Farm.  I had a good time and enjoyed most of the rides, but got a headache after a lot of them.  I think it has to do more with that I was tired going into it, sigh.  I didnt enjoy the ride called Boomerang . . . they take you backwards up and then hold you for what feels like forever . . . and it is like torture - you are like lets drop already cause you totally have the "I'm gonna fall" feeling.  Needless to say, that was the last ride I went on for the day.  I had some funnel cake(Yum!) and went to go eat dinner and was asleep by 9:30!  I slept until almost 8, but still feel tired.

Emotional

Wow, am I emotional!  I am not a very emotional person so this is quite a shock to me, and I dont like it.  I have found myself crying at TV shows . . . yes, TV shows, not even real people that I know but strangers on stupid reality TV (which I am unfortunately addicted to - but not every reality tv show).  I dont know why I am so emotional, and why I am somewhat embarrassed about it - I try hiding this from my hubby I guess cause I don't like to be emotionally vulnerable. :-(

I haven't posted in awhile

It has been a very crazy last few months, I have been keeping myself very busy with personal things which means I have had less time to obsess about TTC.  Don't get me wrong, I have been obsessing, just not all day every day.

I am currently on cd 28 - my chart is really weird this month - Fertility Friend says I ovulated on cd 18, but I think I ovulated on cd 15.  So I am either 10 or 12dpo.  Whatever dpo I am - I dont feel like this is my month :-(  I have been having some weird cramps and I dont feel any symptoms so I am preparing myself for AF to arrive either Monday or Tuesday.

I feel like I am stalling here - it has been three cycles since my last miscarriage.  If this cycle doesnt work (and I dont think it did) I am going to look into acupuncture.  I found a local place that specializes in infertility - it cant hurt, right?  I guess I am a little afraid of having to miss too much work for acupuncture - since I have been missing a lot of work lately.  Or I may just try FertileCM again.  I think it was the cause of my last 2 pregnancies . . . but since it has a lot of argenine, and ureaplasma thrives with argenine I was staying away from it.  But DH and I both took the antibiotics to get rid of the ureaplasma so maybe I will be ok.  Decisions, decisions.

Mother's Day without your Mom and not a Mom

I have several days on the calendar that mean things - like my Birthday or friends birthdays or anniversaries, then there are other days - the sad days, like the dates of miscarriage, or the due dates for the babies that were made but never made it.  I have so many of those days, and sadly Mother's Day is one too.  My Mom passed away a few years ago, and I have not yet had any children yet so the day is meaningless to me.  But I cannot escape it.  I get emails for Mother's Day specials, there are tv commercials, people talk about what their kids did for them on Mother's Day, and all I can do is . . . Nothing.  I cant do anything about it.  I just have to sit back and let the time pass.  My favorite day is now the day after Mother's Day - the longest time before I have to think of it again.  Of course there are always those sad anniversaries of the miscarriages or the due dates that never came to be to tide me over in the meantime.

This Mother's Day is a lot harder than previous ones.  I guess it is because last year on Mother's Day I truly thought that by this Mother's Day I would be a Mom, or at least pregnant. 

Some ladies say I am a Mom since I did have a life grow inside of me, three times nonetheless, but I just don't feel like I am a Mom.  I don't think I will until I get to hold a healthy baby in my arms.  I hope this happens before next Mother's Day.

So Busy

So, I fulfilled a lifelong dream . . . and am now officially a business owner, yeah!  I found out about this business just days before I got pregnant.  I was interested in this business, but once I got a BFP I chose not to pursue it at this time.  Shortly after my miscarriage I received an email that the business was still available.  I chose to look into it a little more and scheduled a phone call with the seller (which happened to be on the 4th anniversary of my Mom's passing) and slowly but surely I gathered enough information to make the decision to purchase the business.  The decision was not an easy one as the business does cater to kids and I struggled with that one.  Would I be able to handle seeing all the little kids all day if I have another miscarriage?  What if I can't have kids at all?  Will this impact my ability to run the business?  after all I cant be an emotional mess at a place where kids go to have fun.  After a lot of contemplation I decided that I wanted to go for it and that if I am unable to have the baby I desire, at least I can get enjoyment from other peoples kids, even if it is only for a couple of hours at a time.  And the business requires a lot of attention right now, so it is kindof like my baby.  I still want a human baby of my own, but after three miscarriages it makes you face the reality that it may never happen. 

I have always wanted to own my own business, so now it is good that I have reached a lifelong dream.  I still have a dream of being a Mother but it does feel good to not hold back on other dreams because of TTC.

So I have been very busy trying to learn and run the business . . . but I just got an almost positive opk, so let the BDing begin :-)

Aunt Flo and Uncle Crampy

Ugh, I hate you!  Particularly Uncle Crampy . . . he is really doing a number on me this time.  So my second post m/c AF arrived on Monday . . . and I have been suffering with Uncle Crampy ever since.  Today AF has had a lot of clots - big ones that like to gush out whenever I stand up.  Sorry if this is TMI, but it is the reality of a miscarriage - that there are physical effects that last long after the m/c . . . and I was only 8 weeks, I cant imagine how it is when you are farther along.  I have been suffering physically - during the m/c itself I had the usual cramps and passage of tissue, but also after spending 20 minutes or so on the toilet at 3am passing tissue I just started to feel weak - so I curled up in a ball right on the bathroom floor and just whimpered.  DH was still sleeping through all of this (lucky him) . . . but I was there for like 5 minutes or so, then the cramping kinda faded and I got so unbelieveably cold - it wasnt that cold, but I was colder than I had ever been before - and it was a different kind of cold - like a cold in your core vs cold on the outside because of the air, etc.  So I crawled back into bed and this woke DH up so I told him I was cold and he came over, covered me and warmed me with his body heat.

I didnt mean for this to turn into an account of my miscarriage, but it just kindof came out as I started typing . . .

I was trying to say that this AF is worse than the first post mc AF.  Last time the first post mc AF was the worst . . . but lets hope that it just means I am getting a good cleaning . . . .or that AF is kicking and screaming because she knows she wont be back for awhile.

Not Into TTC

So I am OK to try again this month, but for some reason I just dont feel into it :-(  DH is helping motivate me, and I think I am oing today or did yesterday.  We did get our bding in for this cycle, but I really wish I could get my head into the game . . . but I hope that I can snap out of this funk soon.

Half Birthday

I just realized today is my half birthday.  I haven't really thought about when my half birthday is since high school when a friend of mine used to have a mini celebration of getting a half year older.  Remember those days, when you actually wanted to get older? 

Well, I am not looking forward to getting older, especially since it means my baby making years are numbered.  When I realized this I got a little sad.  Just like when I see the screen at the orthodontist's office - they break my age down into years and months, 37 years 6 months, sigh.  The earliest I could give birth would be at ate 38 - yikes!  a 38 year old first time Mom.  I guess I shouldn't complain as long as I do get to give birth at 9 months to a nice and healthy baby, regardless of what my age is.  Although I think my age is bothering me lately because I am slowly seeing that I will be lucky to even have one kid . . . and since I am an only child myself, that is something I said I would never do . . . how things change.

Aunt Flo and Uncle Crampy Have Arrived

Finally, AF and UC have arrived!  Uncle Crampy is really being a pain today, but I know he is working on getting everything out of there and ultimately that is a good thing.  Now if that ibuprofin would just kick in we would be in business :-)

Feeling Better . . . and Staying Occupied(Distracted)

I had a headache of a headache on Monday!  It was by far the worst headache I have ever had!  I was having some minor headaches for several days, presumably from the antibiotics.  But on Monday it turned into a massive headache!  I couldnt do anything!  I couldnt concentrate - I read the same sentence 3 times and still didnt know what it said . . . so I went home from work and took a nap.  The nap was not good sleep, but I felt a little better when I woke up.  I ate something and went to bed and felt much better in the morning - not 100%, but being really down made me appreciate any improvment.  I hope I NEVER have a headache like that again!

I am feeling much better now . . . no more antibiotics . . . and I'm not sure I will take doxycycline again - unless it is the last resort.

I am also keeping myself busy with non TTC related things . . . and I am still waiting for my first post-miscarriage AF.  I think it should be coming soon, but I have been saying that for awhile :-(  CD33 and I think I o'd on CD21.

I Hate Antibiotics

I really really hate antibiotics . . . amoxicilin gave me serious GI issues and now Doxycycline is making me not feel like myself.  I feel weird and dizzy and grumpy have headaches and cant concentrate . . . but if I end up with a healthy baby afterwords it will all be worth it.  Two more days of these stinkin' antibiotics.  I didn't ever think I would say this - but I can't wait until Monday!

Pregnant Ladies Everywhere!

OK, I just have to vent a little - it seems like all I see is pregnant ladies . . . while shopping, standing in line to register for my bloodwork, even learning of a former coworker who is pregnant, sigh.  I think I am mostly back to "normal", like you can really ever be normal after a m/c much less three . . . but I am feeling better and staying busy with my distractions and of course indulging in all the foods and beverages that are not allowed when you are pregnant . . . but is mother nature trying to spit in my face by showing me all these pregnant ladies??  I do believe the saying "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but at what point can I cry uncle and say I am strong enough?

Oh and DH and I started our antibiotics for the ureaplasma  . . . I guess these are the same antibiotics that are given when you have chlamydia, syphilis, PID, urinary tract infections, lyme disease, bubonic plague, antrax and roseacea . . . ha ha ha . . . .ok, so I have roseacea but not the others . . . and the other things this is used for kindof made me laugh . . . oh, and it is also used to prevent malaria (prophylactic) - so maybe I should go somewhere tropical, ha ha . . .. on a positive note, my skin hasnt looked this good since high school :-) but I hate antibiotics . . . and I had a weird yellowish discharge yesterday - signs that it is working???

Today was my due date for my second pregnancy :-(

I am handling it ok I guess . . . I had to write the date several times at work today and each time I was reminded that today should have been a happy day (even if I didnt have baby on that date) . . . and I am seeing lots of pictures of ladies who just had their babies . ..  I am truly happy for them, just a little sad.  Trying to distract myself . . . and stop thinking that if I keep this up I will have due dates every month . . . so far I have February, September and November . . .

Ureaplasma???

So I got tested for Mycoplasma/Ureaplasma [Ureaplasma is a specific type of Mycoplasma] and I came up positive.  I will have to take doxycycline for 10 days . . .and so will my DH(Dear Husband).

Ureaplasma has been linked to multiple miscarriages.  Huh.  Interesting.  Dr. Google has a lot of conflicting information out there . . . I am trying to sort through it.  So far I have read that ureaplasma can be a factor in multiple miscarriages, but that up to 70% of women have it in their genitourinary tract!?!?!  Hmmm, now I am more confused, but I will be treated for it so it may be a cause . . .and interesting thing is that it thrives in an argenine rich environment.  I took Fertile-CM with my last two pregnancies  . . . and the main ingredient is  . . . wait for it . . . . L-argenine!  hmph.  I am so confused.  I loved Fertile-CM because it did increase my cervical mucus . . . and each time I used it I got pregnant!  My TTC world has just been turned upside down . . . and I need to spend a lot more time with Dr. Google.

Bye Bye Tooth #23

So after knowing the tooth was going bad for years, I finally got tooth #23, my front lower left tooth removed, Yeah!  I am thinking (hoping) that this is one of the causes of my recurrent miscarriages, although I base that solely on an internet article stating that mouth health can affect fertility. But anyway I am just happy to have it out because I feel like I am doing something and well, something had to be done with it because it was severely decayed.  The top part actually broke off and was held on because it was bonded to the next tooth.

So I am writing this as the anesthetic is wearing off . . . there is a big bloody hole where my tooth was previously, but I am hoping to have little to no pain.  The dentist gave me a prescription for vicodin and for antibiotics.  I choose to only fill the prescription for the antibiotics.  I'm not a fan of taking them, but since I do have a mitral valve prolapse (heart murmur) and used to have to take antibiotics before and after each dentist visit (even a cleaning) I guess I cant complain about taking them for a few days after having the tooth removed.

I go in tomorrow morning for an ortho appointment to get a new bottom aligner . . . and they promised they could make the aligner white where the tooth was . . . lets hope so otherwise I will look like trailer trash or like I am a meth junkie.

And I was looking forward to drinking some wine tomorrow night . . . the antibiotics dont say you cant drink . . . so I guess I am ok(??)

What Next?

So I had my follow up appointment and there was no retained tissue, yeah!  But the appointment was not fun.  I go to a big vertically integrated HMO so they have everything together.  The waiting area for OB/GYN is the same as for pediatrics.  Now, the last few times I have been the waiting room has been empty, however this time it was packed full of  babies and pregnant ladies - GREAT, just what I need.  Well at least I have my phone and I have a bunch of scrabble games going so I can just keep my head down and escape.  GRRRR, why is it taking forever to load??  Great, it is fluctuating from one to no bars :-(  Finally it loads a little and I can concentrate on something not baby related.  Then they call me in and put me in a room with a bunch of baby pictures - GREAT, just what I need to see.  OK, where is that phone???  Great, no reception at all in the room . . . ok, backup plan, play a stupid game that doesnt require phone or internet connection.  Finally after what seemed like forever but was probably 5 minutes the doc comes in.

She does the exam and my lining is 0.48cm which is good - she said if it is over 1cm then she would be worried.  I asked about a lot of things, like what additional testing can be done.  She said she would do it, but has to find out if she can order it or if I have to go through the Fertility department.  But she did have me go get my HCG and since I asked about it Mycoplasma (thanks F for the suggestion) she also ordered that test.  But she thinks the biggest reason for my losses is my age :-(

Well they were a little messed up with my blood tests - there are some old ones in there, like the 1 hour glucose (that I am going to tell them to remove since I cant have gestational diabetes if I am not gestational) and there was a progesterone in there too.  Oh and the people in the lab didnt believe me when I said the mycoplasma was a urine test (the doc had just told me that).  Anyway we got it sorted out, and took my blood and yeah it didnt hurt this time.  The only thing is they did take progesterone too, which I didnt think they would.  So I got automated results yesterday and my HCG is 31(yeah, almost 0) and progestrone is 0.48 - What!?  Hmmm, I guess there is a reason that they normally just test progesterone on certain days, but I'm gonna ask my doc about it anyway.  And I may suggest that they have an exam room without baby pictures where they can put people in there for miscarriages . . . it would be nice, even though I think one of the pictures on the wall was of a baby that didnt make it, those would be ok I guess in the "not happy" exam room.

So I am just waiting to find out what extra tests I can have and the results of the mycoplasma test.  A fellow BBCer said that sometimes mycoplasma is in your vagina/uterus and can cause infertility issues.  Hmm, I have to google it some more - I think it is normal in the vagina? but not in the uterus?  Hmm, either way I should get test results soon.

But the best news is that I can breathe out of both nostrils :-)  I actually feel like I am among the living again.  But I am trying to still take it easy because I don't want a relapse, which I think is what happened to me on Thursday.  I wont say I am 100% yet - maybe just 90-95% but it still feels good to be doing better.

Great, just GREAT *insert sarcasm*

I love facebook, I really do.  I re-found friends I had lost contact with, I get quick updates on friends I dont see often enough and I love playing the stupid games.  But right now I hate facebook . . . not facebook itself, but more the unknowingly untimely posts.  Here is a sampling of what I saw recently:

• Picture of obviously pg friend that I didnt know was pg [although she did post about her very sad stillbirth awhile ago]
• Another friend offering to get rid of her maternity clothes
• Another friend posting that she needs more time to be a mom [I believe she is referring to needing more time in the day]

Not to mention all the pics of their kids  . . . I know I shouldnt be this bitter because they have no idea . . . I guess it is just really bad timing.  I am contemplating sharing my miscarriage stories with some of my real life friends, but I'm not sure . . . I see pros and cons to both telling and not telling.

I am feeling particularly emotional today . . . emotional and weird.  I thought I was getting over my cold, but today I took a turn for the worse.  I was feeling better yesterday and while I did try and take it easy, I think I overdid it :-(  And now I feel a little dizzy and nauseous . . . but have been hungry all day, that has to be a good sign, right?

Fitting Quote

Some of you know that I like quotes.  Well today I saw a coworker had this quote posted and thought it fitting:

"Life is like photography, we all develop from negatives."

I don't know who said it, but it seems true . . . I guess I have developed a lot lately, ha ha :-)

Insult to Injury

I think I am getting sick . . . last time after the miscarriage I got sick.  I totally forgot about it until my throat was dry last night.  I thought it might have been from the invisalign aligners (sometimes I wake up with a dry mouth). . . but when I woke up this morning I had a full on sore throat.  And I just sneezed a couple of times :-(  I have been pounding vitamin C like it is going out of style, but I think my body has been through a lot these past few days so it doesn't surprise me that my immune system would be weakened.  Not to mention everyone on the plane back from Minneapolis was either coughing or sucking up their snot(yuck!).  I have done practically nothing these past few days . . . and I did have a flu shot, so hopefully it wont last too long (here's hoping anyway).

Bad News, Bad News

I guess it is so bad, that I had to name this post twice.  Another Miscarriage, booooo!

So I went in on Thursday for my follow up ultrasound.  I naively thought that everything would be OK, so I didnt ask DH to come with me, even though he volunteered.  I wont make that mistake again :-(

So I drink a ton of water, show up 15 minutes before my appoitment time, as instructed, and then sit in the waiting room  for 45 minutes, all the time having to pee.  I see people coming in after me and getting called, but they are having other things done by other technicians.  I finally get called in and the technician is very understanding, but I guess she had some emergency ultrasounds which is why she is behind schedule.  I told her I had to pee and she was trying to hurry up on that part and not push any harder than she had to . . . then she let me pee, whew!  And then I had to do the transvaginal scan . . . she was talking during the first part, but got quiet - first clue.  Then she told me to get dressed while she went to talk to the doctor.  When she returned, she told me to check in at the front and then go up to OB/GYN to see the doctor.  I had to wait in line to be checked in, so of course my mind starts thinking that if it were good news, she woulda told me.  I almost asked the technician if she saw the heartbeat, but I know she is supposed to wait for the doctor.  So I go to check in and the stupid lady wants to charge me a $20 copay - um, no I came in for an ultrasound and they are making me go up.  The whole time I am thinking this is insult to injury asking me to pay for the doctor to tell me my baby has no heartbeat (I didnt know for sure at that time, however like I said they wouldnt call me up there to tell me good news).

So I go up there and the nurse who helped me last week is standing right at the door, waiting for me (another sign).  She takes my weight and blood pressure and I can tell by her quiet, somber demeanor that it isnt good.  So I go into the room and the doctor comes in after a few minutes, and asks me if I know why I am here - I said no, but I dont think it is good news.  She then told me there was no heartbeat, sigh, as I deduced.  Then she gave me the options, natural, medication or D&C.  She was kindof in favor of the D&C because you are knocked out and she thinks it is easier emotionally.  I told her I would think about it, but to put the prescription in for the medication and I will fill it if needed.  That was the plan although she said it could take weeks to do it naturally and either way I need to come in next week.  She offered to do an exam to see if my cervix was open - no thanks, getting int he stirrups twice in one day does not seem appealing to me.  Then she said I could have my progesterone tested because that gives clues to when it will happen (just like it goes down before your period).  I didnt want my blood drawn at that time though - the last two draws were horrible - it hurt the whole time the needle was in there, plus I wasnt in the mood to be stuck.  I was totally regretting DH not being there, but you have to live with the choices you make.  The doc asked if I could call him, but I live 5 minutes away and didnt see the logistics of leaving my car there.  Plus I figured I could be strong for the 5 minute drive (as long as the Brad Paisley song where he sings about seeing the ultrasound of his kid doesnt come on the radio I will be OK).

So as I was leaving the nurse comes over to me and gives me a big hug (which of course makes me cry more) and tells me I was the best momma I could have during the short time the baby was here (I dont remember exact words) which of course made me cry again.  So I make it to the car, compose myself and go home.  DH hugs me, we talk, and then watch stupid movies on TV until bedtime.

I didnt sleep well, waking several times to pee . . . and one time where I woke up because I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.  This has never happened to me before, but I guess there is a first time for everything.  I cried for awhile in the bathroom and then went to bed.  Darn DH was sleeping like a rock at that time :-(

So, since I wasnt spotting at all, and I had a bunch of work to do (ie keep my mind off of things) I decided to go to work.  The distraction was nice and I had lunch planned with a coworker, which I debated on cancelling, but since I had rescheduled once already I decided to go.  It was really nice because she just bought a condo, so that was the topic of discussion, and anything to take my mind off of it is nice.  And we went and had burgers and they now carry sweet potato fries there - yummy!  And I actually felt better after I got back to my desk, still sad, but better - yeah!

I had some cramping as I drove home from work . . . and it continued once I got home . . . and then the spotting continued.  I guess my body made the decision . . . natural it is (same like last time)

Well, that is about it . . .

Good News, Bad News

So on Thursday I went in to have my blood drawn for a bunch of tests to be done prior to my first appointment on Friday.  A few hours prior to my appointment I get an email saying my lab results are available.  I check and my HCG is 2687!!!!  This is very low for 7w3d, so of course I start to freak out.  I tried concentrating on work, yeah right.  Then I started having flashbacks to my miscarriage in July . . . so I went to the restroom, the only place I could think of where I could be alone, well kinda.  And, well since I am pregnant I always seem to have to pee . . . and like always, I checked after I wiped - nothing, whew.  I dont know why I would have spotted right after getting my blood test results, but I clearly wasnt thinking straight.  I started letting my mind wander into what is going to happen thoughts . . . and I started to tear up, but no tears fell.  Hmm, I did feel better but not sure why.  Maybe that was my instinct knowing that I did have another heartbeat inside of me, who knows.

So I go in for my appointment and the nurse that checks you in was all happy and excited and congratulated us, although I was still worried I went along with it.  When she was going over my chart I mentioned that I thought my HCG was a little low and she kinda got less happy then.  We only had a short wait for the Nurse Practitioner to come in.  She kinda barged in and seemed a little irritated we were there . . . um, we are the reason you have a job, but whatever.  I explained that I saw my HCG numbers and she proceeded to do the exam and ultrasound. 

The ultrasound was OK - I started to see the baby - but I didnt see any movement or anything that looked like a heartbeat at first.  She zoomed in and I saw movement . . . but held back getting excited.  She did a measurement . . . 6w1d . . . hmmm.  Then she switched to heartbeat mode . . . and we heard the heartbeat.  I started to tear up,  but held back.  And then she said, let me make sure that isnt your heartbeat - ok, Cyndee, dont get excited.  She measured the heartrate and it was 135pbm.  She didnt say much, and I later asked her if the hb was mine . . . and she seemed annoyed and said no, unless your hb is 135 and proceeded to feel my pulse.  I was not happy with her bedside manner.  She did later say it was a viable pregnancy but that we will have to wait and see what happens.  So the good news is there was a heartbeat, but the bad news is my HCG is low and the baby was measuring small.  Again, I did not like her bedside manner, but the doc that I really like is out on medical leave - I have to find out when she is scheduled to return.

So the plan is that I get my HCG retested which I did yesterday at a little over 48 hours, although I know that when your numbers are over 1200 or so that the doubling is every 72 hours.   But I am curious to know what the numbers are and just hope that they are going up and the little bean is ok.  I also have an appointment for an ultrasound from the radiology department on Thursday the 27th.  That will be with a better ultrasound machine and hopefully we will be able to get a better measurement.  I also have a follow up with the NP that I dont like on Feb 3rd.  If everything turns out OK, I think I will ask if my favorite doc has returned.

My White Blood Cells were a little elevated - she didnt seem too concerned, in fact she wouldn't have mentioned it to me.  I asked about it and she said it could be anything as long as it does not stay that way (um, she didnt recheck) but Dr. Google did tell me that it can be elevated in pregnancy, so I guess that is OK.

So right now it is a waiting game . . . I should get automated results as soon as they are available, but I'm not sure if the lab works on Sunday or if I have to wait for Monday.  We also discussed it and we think that she didnt really try to hard to get a good CRL measurement.  While she was doing it we saw for a second a shape that was somewhat human, although the pic she gave us looks more like a blob.  I think she could have easily been off by a mm or two, so I have a good feeling about my appointment on the 27th.

Oh, and my DH (Dear Husband for those who don't know the acronyms) is a little overwhelmed by this process - he hasn't spent months on babycenter like me has looked very closely at the ultrasound and has tried to figure out what all the letters and numbers are on there.  He looked at it before bed on Friday (after the appointment) and then he looked at it again on Saturday - it is currently on his nightstand - how cute is that :-)  I want to get it so I can scan it and attach it here, but he has kindof been hogging it which  I think is so adorable (shhh, don't tell him or he will get self conscious about it).

I am just hoping that this little one sticks . . .  



They wanted me to do a 1 hour glucose test, but I postponed.  I know I should do it, but at the time I was rushing and starving and didnt want to sit around for an hour or to have weird results because I hadnt eaten yet (they didnt tell me to fast or anything).  But now I want to wait to make sure the little one is ok before I do that.

Invisalign!

OK, so a little about me . . . in the 4th grade I was walking back into class after recess and I tripped on someones bag that they had by their desk and whomp! my teeth hit a table . . . one of those wood tables with metal around the sides that you often saw in the 70's and 80's.  I can tell you that to this day that was still the most pain I have ever been in!  We'll see how giving birth stacks up to my tooth/mouth pain but to date it is still the most excruciating pain I have been in.

At the time the dentist didnt do too much for me . . . actually I dont remember them doing anything, but they may have given that I was pretty out of it [and it was a long time ago].  All I know is that my two front teeth were cracked - you couldnt see it unless the light was right, but there were three horizontal cracks . . . and yet somehow the tooth held together.  Oh and one of the bottom teeth had a vertical squiggly line crack as well as a chunk taken out of it.  I know that tooth was filed down a little.   When I was in my early 20's and finishing my undergraduate degree I had root canals in those three teeth.  The dentist actually wanted to do a root canal on the other lower front tooth . . . but since he was doing the whole procedure without pain medication, when he started to drill into the other tooth my leg jumped unconsciously . .  needless to say he didnt do a root canal on that one [and why I am a proponent for not using pain medicine whenever I have work done on those teeth].  Oh and for those of you that think I am crazy for not having pain medicine - the root/nerve was dead - it didnt hurt, just felt a little achey from all the movement.   Oh and I am crazy, just not for that. :-)

So in 2010 I had crowns put on the cracked top teeth . . . which that was an ordeal, maybe I will tell the story some other time.  But, that lower tooth with the squiggly crack in it is not doing so well and needs to be pulled.   I was pushing my dentist to give me an option other than a bridge which would have damaged the two perfectly good teeth on either side of it.  So since it is not implant eligible- it is too small, my dentist eventually suggested that the tooth be pulled and the gap closed with braces.  Um, what??  have an uneven number of teeth??  But the bottom wont line up with the top!?!?  I dont know about this . . . I think it will look funny and make me self conscious.  I asked the dentist for pictures of someone who had the same thing - and there really werent any.  So fast forward a little bit when I am talking to a coworker who's daughter is a dentist . . . and OMG she had that done years ago - WHAT!!!  Let me see!!!  Hmmm, I have seen you every weekday for years and I never noticed - SOLD!

So a little while later I met with the Orthodontist who told me that this whole thing can be done with Invisalign or traditional braces . . . Invisalign, Invisalign Invisalign . . . do you want to think it over . . . nope, Invisalign.  Oh, and my left wisdom teeth are slanted . . . and that can be fixed with invisalign too.  Oh, and I forgot to mention during High School/early College I did have appliances and braces to fix my crooked back teeth . . . but the idiot orthodontist wanted to remove my wisdom teeth even though several dentists have said I have enough room in my mouth for all my teeth.  So my back 2 left teeth were crooked - and he fixed the one before the wisdom teeth, but not the wisdom teeth . . . but that whole experience is another story in itself . . . like how when I went to get my braces off - THEY LEFT ONE ON MY TEETH  .. . it popped off as I was showing someone - but can you say incompetent!  Ok, dont get me started on that one . .. . 

So to try and wrap up this really long story . . . I got invisalign on Thursday!  I went a lunchtime and when I returned to the office - no one noticed (or at least they didnt say anything).  I was talking a little funny, but maybe they just thought I was getting sick or something.  Anyway despite the pain!  yes, they hurt, I am doing OK.  I just dont know if this was really the best time for me to start wearing them as I cant do much for the pain.  Yeah, I can remove them, but you know what - if you remove them, your teeth still hurt - just feels a little different. Actually after a couple of days it started to feel better.   And I know I can take Tylenol . . . but I am really trying to refrain from taking any pain meds, especially during the first trimester.  And I am also a little worried about eating . . . you see, I like to eat and drink all morning long . . . and when nausea hits, eating is the best thing . . . while they say you can eat soft foods with the invisalign in, I tried it and food still got stuck in there - gross.  So I will have to see how that goes.  Oh, and the first night I woke up even more than normal . . .and my mouth hurt . . . again, pain meds would help but I am trying to be all noble and not do that.

So that is a little background and my experience having invisalign for 4 days . . . oops, I better go put those suckers back in . . . I ate dinner over an hour ago . . .oopsie.

Be Careful What You Wish For!!!

OK, so I had my first taste of morning sickness.  The first time was this morning(ha ha) when I kinda felt nauseous.  I didnt really think I would throw up, but figured since I had to pee already that it wouldnt hurt to be close to the toilet just in case. 

Last month I moved to a new building (same job, just a new building like a mile away).  This building is "different" for starters there is one restroom . . . one for men, one for women.  The Womens has 4 stalls and the Mens has 2 stalls and 2 urinals . . . there are about 150 people in the building!  I was extremely worried before we moved in . . . I mean 4 stalls!!!  So far it has been busy in there, but I have never had to wait.  But of course this morning the cleaning guy was cleaning it . . . hmph grrrh, well I guess I cant get mad at him for doing his job  . . . it was just poor timing for me.  Like I said, I didnt feel like I was really going to toss my cookies, but it would have been comforting to know it was available.  I resolved to myself that I would barge in on him cleaning if I really felt like I would loose it.

Later, on the way home from work - and even for a little once I got home, I again felt nauseous.  I didnt really think I would hurl, but the feeling was there.

But - I AM NOT COMPLAINING!!!  I told all the symptoms to "bring it on" so I cant complain.  And I read somewhere that if you do get m/s that your risk of miscarriage goes down a lot . . . I would be happy with that.

I'll be exactly 6 weeks tomorrow, yeah!!!  Now, since I didn't sleep well last night - I am off to bed early :-)

Round Ligament Pain

OK, I am pretty convinced that the pain I have been having is round ligament pain - or some other normal pregnancy pain.  The pain did subside and it has came and went a few times and for the last two mornings in my groggy just woke up state have felt the pain a little on the left side.  Whew!  Ok, solved that . . . what to worry about next?  hee hee.

I have a phone interview with a nurse on Tuesday afternoon and they sent me a link to a website with a bunch of information . . . it lists all the tests and gives you information on them.  I only briefly looked at it, so now I have to go back and look at everything before Tuesday.  Oh and if the pain returns I may see if I can get an earlier ultrasound appointment.  Currently it is scheduled for January 21st.

Mystery Pain

Hmm . . . I had this really bad pain on my right side - I will call it in the hip area.  I was sitting at work minding my business, actually I really was working, and I got the pain.  It hurt really bad.  I noticed that my legs were crossed, which I know you arent supposed to do for long periods of time, but that I do ALL the time.  The pain got a little better when I got up, but it was there for at least an hour.  It was quittin' time so I went home and it is better now - funny how sitting on the couch makes all your pains go away.  I am just a little worried as I had this pain last week - but thought that it was a pulled muscle or something.  Now that it has returned after not having it for at least 4 days, I am a little worried.  If it continues tomorrow I will call the doctors. 

My internet research says it may be an ectopic pregnancy or a cyst.  I had a cyst on my wrist when I was a kid . . . so I am hoping that is what it is, or actually I dont care what it is as long as it is nothing serious.  I am afraid for the worst though . . .

5 Weeks

I am exactly 5 weeks today, yeah!  Due Date: September 6th, 2011.

I woke up hungry and didn't stop eating all day long!  This is quite a change because the last few days I had been noting that I was eating less - even less than before I was pregnant.

I also got nauseous a couple of times today.  Once in the car on the way to work, once at my desk, once on the way to lunch and again in the car on the way home.  YEAY!!!!!  Yeah, I am one of the crazy ones who actually likes the symptoms - Bring it on Baby!!!  After a Chemical Pregnancy and a Miscarriage any sign that things are going well is welcome.  Sore boobs, nausea, tiredness - I'm happy I have had them all.

OK, I'll keep it short for the first post.  I'm not sure if anyone will want to read this blog, but I wanted to share my story . . . and because I am too afraid to write in my Pregnancy Journal that I bought last time.  I have a call with the nurse on January 11th and my first appointment on the 21st.  Once I hear the heartbeat I will fell a lot better.