Did I Wait Too Long??

So as my 38th birthday approaches I have been thinking more and more about my age . . . and if I waited too long to try having a family.  I was married before - actually I started dating him when I was only 18, still a kid myself.  We ended up being together for 14 years.  When I was younger I was often asked when I would start a family and my answer was always "not yet".   There was always something else I wanted to do.  I did think about it, but having kids is one of those truely irreversable decisions.  If you dont like a haircut, it will grow out.  If you dont like your job, quit and get a new one.  Most decisions are not irreversable.  So I kept stalling on making the biggest decision of my life.  And now I am paying the price because I naively thought it would happen relatively quickly once I was "ready".

Well I did start trying to have a family with my ex . . . but things didn't work out.  It was my choice to leave when I was 32 and yes, having kids did play a big factor in my decision.  But I decided that my future children deserved a Mommy who was brave enough to follow her heart even if she was scared and unsure and never really had the courage to stand up for her feelings before.  And if I am being totally honest with myself I do wonder if I made the right decision.  I am very happy with my decision, I just dont know if not having kids was the hidden price I paid.

Well, I was 35 years and 1 month when I started trying with my DH. . . just casually at first.  Not protecting, but not timing anything.  That lead to blood tests, doctors visits, taking my temperature,peeing on lots of sticks (OPKs or HPTs), sperm friendly lubricant and paying attention to my cervical mucus.  Along with 3 lost pregnancies :-(  I haven't truly struggled with getting pregnant, just staying pregnant.  I don't know what is worse - never being pregnant or being pregnant and filled with joy and anticipation (and fear) and having that ripped out of you.  Over. And Over. And Over Again.

I dont know if it was an early premonition, but when I was a kid, like first grade, I thought I wouldnt have kids. Not that I didnt want to have them, just that I didnt think I would have them.  Did I know something then that I am so stubbornly trying to prove wrong?  I hope not because I dont know if my life will be complete without a child of mine.  Yes, the biologist side of me is not ready for adoption.  I dont know if I would be able to love someone elses kid as much as my own.  Sound selfish, yes it is.  Honest, yes, like it or not.

So I didn't expect this post to be this long or rambling, but it was what came out, along with a few tears.

3 worst letters in TTC = BFN

I hate "symptoms" (notice the quotations) because they make you think, maybe, just maybe this may be your cycle . . . but then the test that does not lie gives you the cold hard truth and BFN or BIG FAT NEGATIVE on the pregnancy test is so hard to see.  At least with an OPK you get to see two lines, but one line on the pregnancy test is so hard to see :-(

And to make matters worse, I know that there are high school and college kids praying for their period . . . I would gladly give them my period in exchange for me being pregnant.  Life would be fair and we would both be happy, but sadly it does not work out that way . . . I guess if it did we wouldn't have shows like 16 and pregnant or Teen Mom.   Do you think they would want a show called, "Emotionally stable, income generating, able to out the needs of my Child above mine, give a loving home, Mom and Dad are stable, well adjusted and able to teach the kids a lot" show??

Well, as you can tell from my post I tested this morning at 11DPO and I got a BFN despite having good temperatures.  I didnt really put too much hope into this cycle as the timing was off this cycle, but still you see those temperatures and you hope that it will work out  . . . maybe next cycle . . .it will be 6 cycles since the miscarriage . . .

"Symptoms"

Hmm, so my temperatures are up . . . well that could be I am coming down with a cold like several of my coworkers (and I had one a few weeks ago)

And I feel something going on in my uterus area . . . but that could just be gas  . . or my overactive imagination.

I guess I dont really have any other "symptoms" than those . . . my breasts are a little sore sometimes, but not consistently, and I have peed a lot - but also drank a lot of water.

I am just trying not to get my hopes up . . . our timing wasnt very good this month, and I didnt feel the trademark "pop" that I felt the other times . . . I guess I should just keep myself busy so I dont think about it . . . I will know one way or the other in a few days.

Where were you one year ago?

I know.  I was having a miscarriage :-(  This one was my first 8 week miscarriage.  I was naive with my first miscarriage and at 5 weeks it is a lot easier.  I think with each passing week the miscarriage gets harder.  I have no idea how people who make it longer, say 40 weeks get through it.  8 weeks was hard enough, and my only solace was knowing that "at least it happened early".  Despite my pain I have all the respect and admiration in the world for those who suffered a loss after the "safe" 12 week mark.  I have respect and  compassion for anyone who has had a miscarriage - at any stage, but more so for those who were pregnant longer than I was yet I still feel sorry for myself.  Hopefully I get a rainbow baby before the due date of my 3rd pregnancy - which is also my 38th birthday.  But our travel schedule may not cooperate :-(  I do believe that things will happen when they are supposed to, but sometimes the waiting and not knowing is hard.  And there is a piece of me that thinks that I may never be a Mother.  Please let that not be the case.  But I have to accept whatever life throws at me.  I always have - why would now be any different?