So Busy

So, I fulfilled a lifelong dream . . . and am now officially a business owner, yeah!  I found out about this business just days before I got pregnant.  I was interested in this business, but once I got a BFP I chose not to pursue it at this time.  Shortly after my miscarriage I received an email that the business was still available.  I chose to look into it a little more and scheduled a phone call with the seller (which happened to be on the 4th anniversary of my Mom's passing) and slowly but surely I gathered enough information to make the decision to purchase the business.  The decision was not an easy one as the business does cater to kids and I struggled with that one.  Would I be able to handle seeing all the little kids all day if I have another miscarriage?  What if I can't have kids at all?  Will this impact my ability to run the business?  after all I cant be an emotional mess at a place where kids go to have fun.  After a lot of contemplation I decided that I wanted to go for it and that if I am unable to have the baby I desire, at least I can get enjoyment from other peoples kids, even if it is only for a couple of hours at a time.  And the business requires a lot of attention right now, so it is kindof like my baby.  I still want a human baby of my own, but after three miscarriages it makes you face the reality that it may never happen. 

I have always wanted to own my own business, so now it is good that I have reached a lifelong dream.  I still have a dream of being a Mother but it does feel good to not hold back on other dreams because of TTC.

So I have been very busy trying to learn and run the business . . . but I just got an almost positive opk, so let the BDing begin :-)

Aunt Flo and Uncle Crampy

Ugh, I hate you!  Particularly Uncle Crampy . . . he is really doing a number on me this time.  So my second post m/c AF arrived on Monday . . . and I have been suffering with Uncle Crampy ever since.  Today AF has had a lot of clots - big ones that like to gush out whenever I stand up.  Sorry if this is TMI, but it is the reality of a miscarriage - that there are physical effects that last long after the m/c . . . and I was only 8 weeks, I cant imagine how it is when you are farther along.  I have been suffering physically - during the m/c itself I had the usual cramps and passage of tissue, but also after spending 20 minutes or so on the toilet at 3am passing tissue I just started to feel weak - so I curled up in a ball right on the bathroom floor and just whimpered.  DH was still sleeping through all of this (lucky him) . . . but I was there for like 5 minutes or so, then the cramping kinda faded and I got so unbelieveably cold - it wasnt that cold, but I was colder than I had ever been before - and it was a different kind of cold - like a cold in your core vs cold on the outside because of the air, etc.  So I crawled back into bed and this woke DH up so I told him I was cold and he came over, covered me and warmed me with his body heat.

I didnt mean for this to turn into an account of my miscarriage, but it just kindof came out as I started typing . . .

I was trying to say that this AF is worse than the first post mc AF.  Last time the first post mc AF was the worst . . . but lets hope that it just means I am getting a good cleaning . . . .or that AF is kicking and screaming because she knows she wont be back for awhile.