Did I Wait Too Long??

So as my 38th birthday approaches I have been thinking more and more about my age . . . and if I waited too long to try having a family.  I was married before - actually I started dating him when I was only 18, still a kid myself.  We ended up being together for 14 years.  When I was younger I was often asked when I would start a family and my answer was always "not yet".   There was always something else I wanted to do.  I did think about it, but having kids is one of those truely irreversable decisions.  If you dont like a haircut, it will grow out.  If you dont like your job, quit and get a new one.  Most decisions are not irreversable.  So I kept stalling on making the biggest decision of my life.  And now I am paying the price because I naively thought it would happen relatively quickly once I was "ready".

Well I did start trying to have a family with my ex . . . but things didn't work out.  It was my choice to leave when I was 32 and yes, having kids did play a big factor in my decision.  But I decided that my future children deserved a Mommy who was brave enough to follow her heart even if she was scared and unsure and never really had the courage to stand up for her feelings before.  And if I am being totally honest with myself I do wonder if I made the right decision.  I am very happy with my decision, I just dont know if not having kids was the hidden price I paid.

Well, I was 35 years and 1 month when I started trying with my DH. . . just casually at first.  Not protecting, but not timing anything.  That lead to blood tests, doctors visits, taking my temperature,peeing on lots of sticks (OPKs or HPTs), sperm friendly lubricant and paying attention to my cervical mucus.  Along with 3 lost pregnancies :-(  I haven't truly struggled with getting pregnant, just staying pregnant.  I don't know what is worse - never being pregnant or being pregnant and filled with joy and anticipation (and fear) and having that ripped out of you.  Over. And Over. And Over Again.

I dont know if it was an early premonition, but when I was a kid, like first grade, I thought I wouldnt have kids. Not that I didnt want to have them, just that I didnt think I would have them.  Did I know something then that I am so stubbornly trying to prove wrong?  I hope not because I dont know if my life will be complete without a child of mine.  Yes, the biologist side of me is not ready for adoption.  I dont know if I would be able to love someone elses kid as much as my own.  Sound selfish, yes it is.  Honest, yes, like it or not.

So I didn't expect this post to be this long or rambling, but it was what came out, along with a few tears.