Bad News, Bad News

I guess it is so bad, that I had to name this post twice.  Another Miscarriage, booooo!

So I went in on Thursday for my follow up ultrasound.  I naively thought that everything would be OK, so I didnt ask DH to come with me, even though he volunteered.  I wont make that mistake again :-(

So I drink a ton of water, show up 15 minutes before my appoitment time, as instructed, and then sit in the waiting room  for 45 minutes, all the time having to pee.  I see people coming in after me and getting called, but they are having other things done by other technicians.  I finally get called in and the technician is very understanding, but I guess she had some emergency ultrasounds which is why she is behind schedule.  I told her I had to pee and she was trying to hurry up on that part and not push any harder than she had to . . . then she let me pee, whew!  And then I had to do the transvaginal scan . . . she was talking during the first part, but got quiet - first clue.  Then she told me to get dressed while she went to talk to the doctor.  When she returned, she told me to check in at the front and then go up to OB/GYN to see the doctor.  I had to wait in line to be checked in, so of course my mind starts thinking that if it were good news, she woulda told me.  I almost asked the technician if she saw the heartbeat, but I know she is supposed to wait for the doctor.  So I go to check in and the stupid lady wants to charge me a $20 copay - um, no I came in for an ultrasound and they are making me go up.  The whole time I am thinking this is insult to injury asking me to pay for the doctor to tell me my baby has no heartbeat (I didnt know for sure at that time, however like I said they wouldnt call me up there to tell me good news).

So I go up there and the nurse who helped me last week is standing right at the door, waiting for me (another sign).  She takes my weight and blood pressure and I can tell by her quiet, somber demeanor that it isnt good.  So I go into the room and the doctor comes in after a few minutes, and asks me if I know why I am here - I said no, but I dont think it is good news.  She then told me there was no heartbeat, sigh, as I deduced.  Then she gave me the options, natural, medication or D&C.  She was kindof in favor of the D&C because you are knocked out and she thinks it is easier emotionally.  I told her I would think about it, but to put the prescription in for the medication and I will fill it if needed.  That was the plan although she said it could take weeks to do it naturally and either way I need to come in next week.  She offered to do an exam to see if my cervix was open - no thanks, getting int he stirrups twice in one day does not seem appealing to me.  Then she said I could have my progesterone tested because that gives clues to when it will happen (just like it goes down before your period).  I didnt want my blood drawn at that time though - the last two draws were horrible - it hurt the whole time the needle was in there, plus I wasnt in the mood to be stuck.  I was totally regretting DH not being there, but you have to live with the choices you make.  The doc asked if I could call him, but I live 5 minutes away and didnt see the logistics of leaving my car there.  Plus I figured I could be strong for the 5 minute drive (as long as the Brad Paisley song where he sings about seeing the ultrasound of his kid doesnt come on the radio I will be OK).

So as I was leaving the nurse comes over to me and gives me a big hug (which of course makes me cry more) and tells me I was the best momma I could have during the short time the baby was here (I dont remember exact words) which of course made me cry again.  So I make it to the car, compose myself and go home.  DH hugs me, we talk, and then watch stupid movies on TV until bedtime.

I didnt sleep well, waking several times to pee . . . and one time where I woke up because I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.  This has never happened to me before, but I guess there is a first time for everything.  I cried for awhile in the bathroom and then went to bed.  Darn DH was sleeping like a rock at that time :-(

So, since I wasnt spotting at all, and I had a bunch of work to do (ie keep my mind off of things) I decided to go to work.  The distraction was nice and I had lunch planned with a coworker, which I debated on cancelling, but since I had rescheduled once already I decided to go.  It was really nice because she just bought a condo, so that was the topic of discussion, and anything to take my mind off of it is nice.  And we went and had burgers and they now carry sweet potato fries there - yummy!  And I actually felt better after I got back to my desk, still sad, but better - yeah!

I had some cramping as I drove home from work . . . and it continued once I got home . . . and then the spotting continued.  I guess my body made the decision . . . natural it is (same like last time)

Well, that is about it . . .